Sunday, May 15, 2005

** 0215hrs it rained heavily today **
** so did my heart ..**
** -nil- **

its been a few days since camp ended , a week infact . i am still not feeling good abt wad amanda told me . well .. its not realli abt who told me , but its the news itself . i just cant put it words how i feel now . its not in anyway comfortable .

have been trying to kill myself the very slow and ugly way . it seems to help at the moment only . well , tats wad its meant for eh? but well .. every night i sit infront of the laptop , i log on to msn i see this un logged in msn nick . suddenly a hollow feeling engulfs me . tearing me piece by piece into darkness . into the non-existence state. its been like a long time since i talk to her . on msn or face to face . every now and then a news of her presence somewhere neear me makes me feel uneasy. the kind where u really want to walk to her and start a conversation and the kind that makes u stop at the second step moved.

how i wish it all didnt start . ever since that encounter , i have deeply fallen in love with the eyes of yours . the charm radiated all around , the giggle ,the everything . ( now i sound sick lor -_- )

things in life right now seems so out of control . even the feeling isnt anywhere better .

there are so many things that i wan to achieve . but with a debt on my back and many commitments around my waist it isnt that easy to even walk . i wouldnt be begging for money if i have money myself isnt it? i wouldnt hitch for a meal if i have the ability to pay for it . its not over the lamp thats i am pissed off about , its the inability to pay for one myself thats disturbing. i care nuts about a crap lamp . its the inability to afford things that i desire . the helplessness u understand? who in this world understands a poor man's life. its misery .

its not money i am going after . its the ability to be able to fulfill the dreams , the ability to feed the desire for items . do u ever look deeper than that? all u think is this guy is going after your money . if i can pay why should i ask u to pay . think! u dick! ...

shit life i am leading now . i want to work more hours to earn more money . but wad the hell i cant skip this and i cant skip that . how in the world am i going to work . i am definately not happy with the state of life i am leading now!

relationship is expensive , come to think of it , all the expenses . *tsk tsk * spent about $100-200 on an annerversary alone .now when the dust settles , i have to pay back for wad i used eh? . the cause of the misery . the aftermath ? *snorts*

here comes the irony , tho i know its expensive and troublesome and all . i foolishly try to stick my head into one . and end up with misery, self created misery? . haiz .

sam
wrong time wrong place .

- after the dust settles....
Scribbled by cow.drinks.milk @ 2:15 AM